Making My Own Happiness

I've been told many times that I have such a great outlook on life. I wasn't always this way. Once upon a time I was hurt and broken and I was in such a dark place that I didn't know how to find a way out of it. It was that horrible experience that helped me to see that life is short. There are many things in life that you cannot control but I don't concentrate on those...instead I concentrate on what I do have control over. You can't control other people or their actions but what you can control is your reaction. 

I love life. There is so much that I want to do and experience. I love family and kids, they bring so much energy and light. My dreams have always been a little out of the ordinary. When I was little I always dreamed of opening up a an orphanage. In high school, my quote was to be the old woman who lived in a shoe. I always dreamed of being surrounded by a huge family and I am. I have a great extended family that treats me like their own. But I also dreamed of a big family with my kids and grandkids and great grandkids someday. In my opinion, the strange part is that although I have that great maternal instinct, I still love my career and to travel and to enjoy life. So my life has always been torn and I have learned to go where I feel God had led me. 

When I got divorced, the second time, I took quite a bit of time to learn about myself and figure out what I wanted. Here is what I learned. 

At the beginning stages of everything I just enjoyed getting to know me. I enjoyed MY place and I enjoyed spending time alone. I even traveled by myself. I needed that time to get to know me and who I had become through all the years. I needed to learn who I was at this stage of my life with two grown children and a teenager. I began to dream of the tiny house I had once dreamed of but lost sight of. I began to dream of RV living. I dreamt of downsizing and making my life much simpler. I even played with the idea of buying a small cabin in Maine. 

Then I realized that I didn't want to do this second part of my life alone. I like having a partner by my side. I like having someone to come home to and talk about my day with. I like sharing my experiences and adventures with someone. The bigger problem was that although I wanted all that, I wasn't sure what I was willing to deal with at this stage of my life. And let's be honest for a minute, at this age there is all kinds of baggage. It's not about accepting baggage of not, it about what kind of baggage you are willing to accept. Answering that question turned out to be a lot harder than I though. I feared meeting someone without kids because they can't possibly understand my life with my kids and grandkids but I also feared meeting someone with kids and not being accepted by them. I feared someone who had their own home and was settled into their lifestyle but I also feared someone who didn't have a home and worried about where their life was headed. I had so many fears and I couldn't seem to weed through them. So I just started dating. I dated a lot. I was told that I wasn't giving the guys a fair shake but if it didn't feel right to me, I didn't want to waste my time. I felt like I needed to say yes or no and not waste my time. Then I slowed down a bit and realized that I was just dating, I wasn't marrying these guys and it was ok to just sit back and have a good time temporarily. So I just learned to live in the moment and enjoy each date of simply what it was. I soon got tired of my flavor of the week and started to think about what I had experienced and what I wanted. I started to slow down and really look at people once again for who they are and what they can add to my life. The judgment of the revolving door came again but I didn't care this time. I knew what I wanted and I didn't really care what anyone else thought of my life. I am the one living it and I get to do it any way that I want.